I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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