yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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