i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
