I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
3pm strippers are depressing
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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