you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
