Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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