You're my little dorito
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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