I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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