Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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