Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
