Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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