How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
