Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
