Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
