Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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