To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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