sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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