If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
