remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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