Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
pray to the hookup gods
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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