Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
