Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
