Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
