Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
