Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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