im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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