i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she told me i tasted like america
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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