I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
