At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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