My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
