I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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