Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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