If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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