Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
