No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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