Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
