I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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