went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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