if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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