C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
