Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
