I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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