Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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