My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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