did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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