The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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