If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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