I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
