We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
