so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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