I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
