just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
