Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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