I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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