One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
