FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
