why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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