yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
