did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize