if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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