he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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