i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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